I hate living here. Living under my mother's rule is smothering any desire I have to be an independent adult. She just has a way of making me not care; she makes me want to just give up.

It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't treating me like a child, but I'm sick of her attitude. She's such a two-faced bitch. On one hand, she wants to see me make it on my own, and on the other hand, she's quashing even the slightest inkling of adult thought. I try to discuss the issue with her, but she blows me off as if I was just some stupid kid who couldn't possibly have any idea what they're talking about. Her attitude to this point has been "you're absolutely free to make decisions for yourself, as long as I agree with them." If I even hint at doing something she personally disapproves of, she threatens me with homelessness. Apparently she would rather see her daughter homeless than independent, or that's the impression she seems to be holding onto.

I want to get out on my own more than I have wanted anything in my life. In addition I am as interested in being in a relationship as I was as a child. I've got a lot of shit to get straight, and a lot of lost living to make up for, and right now I'm just not interested in the stress and worry that comes with constantly thinking about someone else on top of it all. I so desperately want to get out and just be me.

I go out during the day and I feel free. I have a great time, do what I want to do, and I feel great. I have friends who love me and support me, and try to cheer me up when I feel miserable.

I come home and see her, and I crash. She treats me like I'm never going to be able to make it on my own because I'm just not capable of taking care of myself from the second I walk in the door. In fact I've heard it from her own mouth that she seriously doubts I can make my own decisions and take care of myself. I'm sick of being threatened with homelessness and I'm sick of her attitude that I'm incompetent.

I want out, and I'm trying my hardest, but every day I feel a little more like giving up. I feel a little more like there's no point.

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